On The WWE Campaign Trail…

Editor’s note: The following is not an endorsement, nor an outright attack on any of the 2016 United States Presidential Candidates. It is a completely fictional work. I’m just trying to have fun at the candidates’ expenses.
What if the candidates running for President of the United States were running for Chairman/woman of WWE instead? What would their campaigns consist of? What would WWE look like under their control? Let’s fantasy /nightmare book their regimes.
Hillary Clinton: Promises are made to raise pay and decrease workload for WWE superstars. Clinton projects that injuries will fall by the wayside. All is good until…
  • She is accused of sending confidential emails from her private account to get in touch with the Anonymous Raw GM. Hmmmm…..
  • Bill Clinton, without skipping a beat, may or may not have sexual relations with a few Divas on the roster.
  • Hillary is put on the hot spot for a violent ambush on the New Day. She refused to give them extra security when they requested it. In turn, they were attacked by the Wyatt Family and had to relinquish their WWE Tag Team titles due to injury. At first Clinton described this as a random act of violence, but further research shows that she may have had prior notice. Is this a cover up?
  • Hillary’s promos feel far too ingenuous and scripted, even for WWE standards. Can’t tell if she’s a face or heel.
Bernie Sanders: Bernie exclaims that all WWE talent will be paid equally. Ticket prices incrementally drop down. Enhancement talents get opportunities in the main event. Drug policies are dropped. On a related note, Rob Van Dam and Jeff Hardy re-sign with WWE.
  • On the plus side, everybody makes the same amount of money. On the down side, that amount is $0 since every event has a free general admission.
  • Tyrannical management of past eras are all fired (bye bye Authority).
  • Divas and minorities frequently main-event live events.
  • Everybody is just generally nicer to each other. Lots of Bob Marley is playing. And wait a second are RVD and Randy Orton intoxicated and wrestling in the main event??
Ted Cruz: Most of his time is focused on slandering all of Vince McMahon’s decisions and projects. Cruz can’t stop cutting promos where he is almost always calling out fellow candidate Donald Trump.
  • There’s a lot more prayer on WWE programming. The New Day becomes a group of preachers again.
  • Fellow Harvard Law School graduate, David Otunga, gets an unexpected WWE WHC push.
  • Cruz paints a “benevolent” self-accomplishing portrait of himself in his head. In reality, he’s just the Second Coming of Johnny Ace. PEOPLE POWER!
John Kasich: Props to Kasich for walking the tightrope. He’s running as a Republican, but he’s bipartisan at heart. This makes for plenty of awkward moments in the locker room.
  • Frequent face/heel fluctuators, such as Big Show and Mark Henry, will be so confused that they will evaporate into thin air.
  • Kasich will go whichever way the wind blows; for each opportunity he gives to guys like Kevin Owens and The Miz, he’ll have to give chances to guys like Dolph Ziggler and The Usos. An all out war ensues between the faces and heels since Kasich won’t take a stance one way or the other.
  • Even with an all out war taking place on WWE programming each week, Kasich stays classy and keeps his head held high.
Donald Trump: He’s got shades of Steve Austin and CM Punk in his promos. Also JBL. A LOT of JBL. John Layfield becomes Donald’s right-hand man. Trump promises that WWE will be great again. It’ll reach the same heights it had during the 1990’s. He never really explains how, but who cares? He’s funny and is breaking down the TV-PG walls.
  • Well it turns out just because you’re in the WWE Hall of Fame, doesn’t mean you know anything about wrestling…
  • Most programming consists of Trump going on long, incoherent rants. For this, he quickly strikes a friendship with Bray Wyatt.
  • Most of the roster gets fired live on air each week
  • Men are forced into getting Trump haircuts and are mandated to wear business suits at all times. The Divas compete in beauty pageants.
  • There really aren’t wrestling matches anymore. Basically wrestling turns into an awkward combination of The Apprentice and Tough Enough.
  • The company tanks in every way imaginable, but at the end of the day Trump sells WWE’s rights, makes a “terrific” deal and earns a “UGE” fortune.
  • Lastly, if Trump thinks you’re an illegal immigrant, I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news:
Looks like we’ve got no hope no matter who becomes the next boss at WWE. Maybe Vince McMahon isn’t so bad after all….
by Kevin D’Hooge

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